Analyze This

Why are we in a state of constant analysis?

Even in the best relationships 90% of the time is spent analyzing them. Good, bad, neutral, regardless of how the relationship is going it seems as though we feel the need to dissect it, analyze it and then tell our theory to all our friends (and some strangers). I’m not sure if this is to reassure ourselves of something, or to have them convince us we are wrong, but whatever the reason we can’t help but do it. This is why women are constantly asking men the question “What are you thinking?” it’s because we really don’t know, and “Nothing” is not a good enough answer.

Men have to realize the question the hardest part for us, because ultimately our fear is that they will respond with “I’m thinking you ask too many questions and I’m breaking up with you.” when they say “nothing” we think it can’t possibly be nothing, it has to be something, and if he’s not telling me it’s bad. My advice to men, always say, “I’m thinking of how sexy you are.” That would make me happy… and stop analyzing sh*t for at least 10 minutes.

They say men are difficult but I still think it’s us, women. I admit I am guilty of it too… Actually I am the queen of it. I’ll be the first to tell my girlfriends to stop analyzing and enjoy life, yet as soon as I’m interested in a guy I’m become a paranoid schizophrenic. If our guy is totally into us and treats us like a queen we think he is needy. If our guy isn’t attentive enough we assume he doesn’t like us. We are constantly trying to figure out what makes them tick, yet don’t believe them when they tell us. I don’t think it’s because we don’t trust men, I think it’s a lack of self-confidence for the most part, but also a defence mechanism. I think by reviewing and analyzing and turning the relationship into some sort of equation that we have to ‘figure out’ we can separate ourselves from the emotional part of it and then if it doesn’t work we can’t be upset because we saw it coming, or at least we should have if we did our homework.

I don’t think there is an easy way to escape this but I’m going to try.

The Relationship Rush

It seems as though everyone is rushing in to relationships these days. The dating starts, by the third date they are sleeping together, the fourth they move in and within 3 months they’ve bought a house together… and are planning a wedding. Don’t think this is a one off situation either. I have had two friends elope this past year (one after only knowing each other 5 weeks) and many moving in together and buying houses. I think it is great that they are so in love that they want to be together all the time, but what is the rush? Is it an issue of insecurity? Do we have to move fast enough so that our partner doesn’t realize what a mistake they’re making by being with us?

I found myself in a rush recently, which is not like me. Well, I went on a date a couple weeks ago; I thought it went really well, at the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek. It was the perfect end to a great first date. Second date, again great date, felt more comfortable but at the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek… again. I don’t know why, but this time it bothered me. I didn’t necessarily want him to stick his tongue down my throat, but maybe a kiss on the lips would have been nice. I left feeling unsure… why? Maybe because I had never gone on a second date without getting a kiss, in fact I don’t usually go one date without one… Well he finally kissed me – and I say finally because that’s how I felt at the time, when really it was only our third meeting – but I digress, he kissed me, it was perfect, I swear it made my knees buckle. It was worth the ‘wait’; in fact I would have waiting longer had I known it would be so intoxicating.

So what was it that made me feel so rushed?

I’m looking for answers to this one…

Is Bitter in Style?

The one thing I’ve noticed lately is the growing amount of bitter women; Young, bitter women. It’s strange but I think a lot of it is just a fad. It is cool to be bitter… “Everyone is doing it”. Although what I’m writing can be is often negative - especially in the direction of men, it’s meant to be entertaining. It’s just my opinion, opinion’s made through personal experience and the experience of others. I wouldn’t describe myself as bitter, I’m just trying to figure things out, form an opinion, add a little humour and have everyone read about it, lol….

Before I get off topic let me explain. Recently I was out with a number or 20 something girls, EARLY 20 something single girls. Well these single girls were being loud and clear about their opinions, and feelings toward the opposite sex. I’ll give you one guess to what it was I heard… That’s right it was bitterness. Not being much older then these girls I can’t understand it. I’ve been hurt, and badly, yet I have still managed to keep the bitter away. My anger (if any) would be toward the one who hurt me, and only him, not all men. I then looked at single women in their late 20’s and up, still bitter… in fact it seemed the amount of ‘bitter’ was in direct relation to their age. One year older, a pinch more ‘bitter’. By being bitter toward the entire gender we are basically claiming all men are the same. That then brings up the question; do we think all women are the same? We know damn well we are not… so why would we assume men are. This made me wonder about the opinion of men…

Are men just as bitter as women? Well being a person with many male friends I decided to observe their behaviour. My results, the older they got the less bitter they were. The men under 30 had some negative things to say about women, and most were expressed in a bitter way, but the one difference was they would never swear off women (like we do men) they still wanted to have female companionship – ie: get laid – despite the risk of getting hurt. There was one exception, but again men are not all the same. The men over 30 did not seem to be bitter at all. In fact, their opinion was that in the past they were not ready for a relationship therefore one would not work for them regardless of the women. Knowing these men for a number of years I can say they were a little bitter when I first met them, but always going back for more.

I am not sure why there is this distinct difference between the bitterness of men and women, but I’ve come up with a theory… maybe I pulled it out of my ass, who knows, but here it is: Women who have been hurt seem to take much longer, too long sometimes, to get over men (relationships) then men do women. Because the men get over their relationships much quicker the bitter doesn’t have time to manifest. Or maybe, just maybe men realize women aren’t all the same.

Bad Date Chronicles – Bad Date #1

This story is brought to you first hand by a former singleton she shall remain nameless…

One night I meet a friend of a friend while out with a group. When he asks for my number, I think well, he's not my typical pitter patter causing kind of guy, but what the hell, the fall has been slow on the dating front. Turns out I should have trusted the no heart beat instinct.

We meet a week or two later for dinner. The restaurant is nice enough, and he orders wine, so I'm thinking things may go well after all. Then, we get past discussing menu items, and it is all down hill. It starts with, "my psoriasis has been really bad for the past few months, mostly on my scalp and feet, and it has been causing problems at work. Whenever I lean over someone else's desk, a few flakes fall onto their desk." He says this while leaning in close, head tilted. You know, because he doesn't want anybody tohear. He seems to have missed the lesson on impressing your date, not the next table.

Now, I must clear my name to an extent at this point. I am not cold hearted, psoriasis in and of itself certainly would not make someone undate-able to me.

After dinner, he walks me home. At the door, he opens hs arms to hug me. As we go towards one another, I obviously move my head to the side to communicate that there will be no kiss. As our heads pass, I begin to relax. But No! There is a somewhat painful feeling between my legs... it's a crotch grab!!! I Guess if a women doesn't want to kiss you, you then go straight for the goods! I was in so much shock that I didn't smack him I just turned on my heels and went inside. I think my jaw was still on the ground a week later. After that performance, you'll be shocked to hear that he called three days later to see if I wanted to do it again! With a crotch grabbing flaky man? I'm sure this one is still on the singles scene.

Are we in relationships just to be in a relationship?

The other day I was having dinner with the girls – Miss Pink and Miss Black (single), Miss Blue and Red (in serious relationships) - We were discussing what we always discuss, sex, but more importantly relationships. Two of us complaining about incessant bad dates, the tribulations of trying to meet someone new, where to find him, and how to figure out if that they are bad for us before it’s too late. Then in a quite voice Miss. Red says, “I wonder if I’m in a relationship because I’m afraid of being alone again.” A sort silence was followed by three women simultaneously saying “No you love him…” Although I do believe that is true, our response seemed almost urgent, afraid. Apparently we don’t want to see our girlfriends in the same predicament we’re in.

Is it that bad to be single? Or is it that we need to believe in love so badly we romanticize other people's relationsips together for them, or us?

Ultimately that brings us to the question: How do we (the people in relationships) know when it’s over? I’m a strong believer in fighting the good fight, and using all resources to solve problems before giving up. Well it’s not actually giving up if you have tried your best, opened your heart and mind and did all you could do. I want to believe love will conquer all. If it becomes too exhausting, and you deflated, perhaps it’s not love you are fighting for.

I don’t think I answered any of our questions, but hopefully we will learn to listen to our friends about their relationships instead of jumping to reassure them it’s is all okay when in fact we have no idea what is going on inside. For those in relationships, hopefully they will learn to reflect on them without bias so they can judge what is truly going on. What everyone should do is support our friends, listen to them and celebrate with them when they do find true love.

The Dating Game? Is it all a game?

Growing up I was taught that when I ‘grew up’ I would meet someone, fall in love, get married and have kids. No one ever mentioned how to get there, it just happens. Well maybe it just happened to some, but dating is not that simple, it seems to have become a game, sometimes even a sport. If you’re actively dating in Toronto I recommend getting some serious protective equipment, because when you crash it will take a lot more then a helmet and a mouth guard to get you through it. It’s going to take good friends, good wine, and often a good eraser ;-)

What is The Game? Well if we knew what it was we might have been able to figure out how to play it. Unfortunately, there are no rules – except that there are no rules. No one keeps score, but you always know when you’re loosing. And no matter how often you play, you can, and will get caught off guard.

The original game, yes the one our mothers taught us, playing hard to get. This has to be my favourite game… by favourite, I mean the game I like the least. If I like someone I want to tell them, ideally I want them to tell me they like me and go on from there. But NO, before The Game of dating can even start you have to have a pre-game, this is when you act aloof, hint that you like them, but never let them know for sure and wait for them to pursue you. How often does this actually work? I don’t think it does, because women don’t do it. Notice that the guys who are into you are the ones you dislike, ignore and push away. Well, that’s because they think you are playing hard to get.

Beware of the man who doesn’t want to play games. He is the ultimate player. This is the guy who says I don’t want to play games. Again giving women a false sense of hope, because what he means is “I don’t want YOU to play games”. I will be aloof, not tell you how I feel, give you mixed messages, all the while, know exactly how you feel and use it to play you like a marionette. This guy has to be the ultimate asshole. At least the other game players let you put up a good fight… this guy wants to kick you when you are down.

All that said I know there are good guys out there just keep your eyes open and guard up, ‘cause the bad ones will find you when you least expect it.

He's Just not that into You... I mean Me

The excuses… I’ve heard them all. Every time a friend calls and says, “He didn’t call”, “He’s too busy”, “He’s not ready for a relationship” or “It’s bad timing”, I tell her one thing and one thing only… “He’s just not that into you”. Yes I’ve read the book, and I’ve passed on the good word “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Why is it then, that when I here the same excuses I can’t convince myself that he’s not that into me? I know if I were giving advice to me, I would say… “Honey, he’s just not that into you” Seriously, if a guy really likes you, he will make it happen, good or bad timing, ready or not. I’ve had the guy who wasn’t ready date … not that it didn’t end in a disaster, but the point is, he wasn’t ready, it was bad timing, yet he still made it happen, because he wanted it to. So these guys who are using this as an excuse are getting away with only one thing… our feelings. Giving us false hope is not cool. In fact it is the exact opposite of cool… it’s out right shitty. Do they realize they are doing this to us? Do they think they are being kind by giving us a glimpse of hope that we turn into a, dare I call it, a relationship. We will sit and discuss these men, try to figure out these men, and worst of all WAIT for these men. As if time is really the issue. I have fallen for it once, maybe even twice…and I will fall for it again, the only thing I can say to my friends, is please slap some sense into me when you see me fall for “bad timing guy”. “I like you but I’m not ready” can mean one of two things: The more obvious one ‘let’s have sex until I’m ready… and when I’m ready, I’ll be dating someone that isn’t you… Oh, and thanks again for the sex’. Or he just likes the attention, it might be true, he might not be ready to date, but tells you he likes you too keep you interested and him feeling good about himself. These guys don’t give up … if you don’t have sex with them, that’s okay, because they are earning your trust. You think; well he isn’t trying to get in to my pants he must really like me. Nope… not the case. What he is thinking is, I’m not dating anyone right now… she’ll do me eventually. Chin up and pants on, it’s time to take charge. Let’s have them wonder… “Is she, just not that into me?”