I'm Free!!

So a long time coming I finally told Tom I didn't want to see him anymore. It was hard as he was/is so nice to me... good news is he fucked up. It wasn't a big deal really, but it did 'give me an out' basically confirming what we knew all along, that we weren't good together.

I am excited, and I am ready to try again. Good luck to me. Stay posted though as I have met some interesting people who might get a chance to lock me in... lol... Also good luck to them.

It's Official I'm afraid of Commitment

I have nothing to add to that. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want a husband, I want to continue to fill my life with meaningless relationships.

This sucks. Hoping someone can change that, but I don't see it happening soon.

Commitment-Phobic

So... I'm sure we are all wondering about Tom. I am still seeing him. I did tell him how I felt, or more so how I don't feel. Surprisingly he took it well, and in fact might like me more. I have found myself wanting to hang out with him more often now that the pressure is off. Can you say commitment-phobic?

I worry that I want him around because I'm lonely. Then I worry that I don't want him around because I am afraid of commitment. I am the most confused person I know. I want a boyfriend, but if I there is someone interested I push them away. I think it ultimately comes down to this:

When the right guy comes around I will NOT push him away, I will NOT be afraid, and I WILL be happy.

Until then I am going make a real effort with Tom. He is happy to keep it casual, and I'm good at that.

The other thing I have to get over is being with him in public or in front of friends... I am so closed. I'm not embarrassed of him at all, and god I hope he doesn't think I am. I just feel (likely as we have mutual friends) that every move we make is under scrutiny. In fact it bothers me so much he hasn't met any of my friends. I hate people judging before I do. I guess I want to decide how I feel before I hear the opinions of others... and being as I can't do that I'm going to have to have a secret/private relationship until then.

I am just wondering if anyone else's out there is as crazy as I am. Seriously this is not even girly, it's stupid.

Change of Heart or Chicken Shit?

With Respect to the previous entry I am still dating Tom as I may, or may not, have had a change of heart. He seems to be calming down around me, especially when we aren't alone. I am giving it a shot. Someone who treats me that well deserves an effort on my part.

I have to be honest though, I'm going in thinking it's not going to work. I know can't go in thinking that. I just know myself. Hopefully I can be PC and if I have to end it, and end it well. Or alternatively I hope I fall madly in love with him and have his babies... ha ha okay that was a joke. Just hoping to like him for now.

Back in the dating scene…

So at the end of 2006 I was on a bit of a roll. Had a few dates although nothing amounted to anything more then a few dates. What I did find though is that the men keep getting younger… or I'm quickly getting older? One friend pointed out to me that, even though we are getting older our tastes aren’t so the twenty-something year olds are still very appealing. I agree.

I have been dating someone (3 dates only) 2 years younger than me, not a big deal, in fact hardly noticeable. We will call him Tom. He is smart and really nice, and not bad to look at, fairly attractive actually, but not only is the spark not there, one I thought was there as we have been dancing around dating each other for over a year, but it seems as if we are on 2 different pages, more so 2 different books. He is reading science-fiction and I’m ready a biography. He has fun and is enthusiastic every time I see him, so happy etc. I on the other hand want to saw off my arm. Seriously, I find his stories long and uninteresting, not necessarily because they are boring, I really just think it’s a bad match. This normally wouldn’t be a problem except that he is a friend of a friend. This friend I didn’t want to tell about the dating, but Tom has already mentioned it… he is also writing a tell all book. That bugs me as well. Three dates to me hardly constitutes bragging rights, and I have only told a couple friends, no names mentioned, no introductions or anything. Now the question is, how to I stop seeing him without causing a wave of interest and far too many inquiries? I don't think I can, I must prepare.

Next date, accidental date really, but has to be mentioned is interesting for a number of reasons. Reason number one, he was a lot younger then me. We will call him Joey (‘cause he is a kid) lol. My usual rule is half my age plus 7, he is half my age plus 6. That is a lot younger then me, but as I said, my taste hasn’t changed. Thinking we were just hanging out (he is a friend from an old job) I agreed to go out with him. When he arrived and after a few comments he made I realized he thought we were on a date... I guess we were. I didn’t worry too much about it until afterward. Which brings us to interesting bit number two, I had more fun with him then I did with Tom. This pushes me further into thinking I need to end things with Tom… but what do I do about Joey? So far I have done nothing, and it has worked. Avoidance is key.

For 2007 I hope to meet someone that is closer to my age, has similar goals, wants what I want in a relationship.. oh and is UBBER HOT. Is that too much to ask?

The Number Challenge

Well it has been far too long since I have written. Honestly it’s not because I’m busy, it’s because I’m not dating, nor are my friends. So due to a dry summer I have not had anything to write about. Although I still haven’t dated I thought I would take some time to write down some random thoughts.

Why do men ask for your number and then not call? Alternatively, why do the ones you don’t want to call you, get your number (by lying) and then harass you? Don’t worry I will elaborate.

Approximately three weeks ago. I met a handsome stranger on the street. I know not the best place to ‘pick up’ but I’m running out of options. So, I meet him, we talk, we laugh, we exchange numbers. He called. Yup he did. We talked on the phone for about 15 min, he asked me to go out with him on the weekend, I said yes, he said he’d call to confirm. He never called again. Nope he apparently just wanted to see if I was stupid enough to agree to go out with a guy I met on the street.

Scenario number two, ran into a guy from highschool at the bar, I wasn’t interested, but he used my job to get my number. How, by saying he wanted to buy something. Of course you do. They know I’m not interested but they think they can grow on me if they see me again. So they tell me they want me to ‘represent’ them. I can’t say no (even though I should have learned this by now) because he could be a possible buyer and make me some money. Of course he is not a buyer, he is a loser, he calls me, he emails me and some of them even manage to get me to show them places before I figure out their ‘plan’.

With this in mind I decided to try a little experiment. I started giving out my number to pretty much anyone who asked. 90% of the men seemed fairly nice and I wouldn’t mind them calling… 10% I hesitated, but in the name of science continued the experiment.

So I gave out my number to let’s say 10 guys in 2 weeks, 8 who I would want to call me 2 who I wouldn’t.

Results: 9 phone calls. Surprised? You shouldn’t be, they were from the 2 I put in the “I wouldn’t want to call me category. That’s not the kicker, the kicker is that it was all within 24 hours of meeting me. Seriously, Batchelor #1 called the next day, twice; and 6 calls, yes 6 were from Batchelor #2 (including 2 emails in that 24 hours by the way).

So really I have come to no conclusions, other then if I like a guy I can guarantee he isn’t going to call me.

Emotionally Unavailable or Just Stupid?

So here I am in the midst of dating a super great guy. He is smart, funny and very nice, far too nice in fact. We will call him “Super-nice Scientist Guy”. He wants to see me all the time, (but not too much) and I enjoy seeing him. He treats me to nice dinners, a good laugh and even took me for a massage at the spa. As for attraction, it too is there, he is a great kisser - a bittoo huggy kissy for me but not a deal breaker. I know you can see where this is going so I’ll get right to it. What is the problem? Well the problem is this; I am just not ‘feeling it’. There is no heart flutter or butterflies in my tummy. Am I expecting too much too soon. I can usually tell if I like someone at this point, but I am distracted. I’m not sure by what, but something is holding me back.…

Well it turns out I found out the answer to the above. There are 2 reasons I couldn’t make it work with super-nice scientist guy. #1) I am emotionally unavailable… for the most part. But only to nice guys who are interested in me. I am available to assholes. That’s right I love assholes - turns out men are right nice guys finish last.

Reason #2) The asshole in question. I fell for a guy (we will call him ‘Dude’)… yup a guy who is aloof, a guy who calls me sexy when he wants me to have fun with him, a guy who makes me smile when I’m around, but makes me cry when I’m not. (okay okay we all know I don’t cry, but I needed the dramatic effect there.) Seriously, I broke up with Super-Nice Scientist Guy for the Dude and now I regret it. Not because I necessarily think it would have worked with Super-Nice Scientist Guy (no heart flutter); but I didn’t even date Dude. Let me explain further. I had a crush on Dude because he made me laugh, he made me feel sexy, and we have great good . Sounds like a perfect relationship - no? Well it was not a relationship it was a fantasy that only I was a part of. I some how conjured up a relationship out of a few jokes, some good company, and crazy attraction.

So where am I now. I broke up with Super-Nice Scientist Guy (as you know) because I felt guilty for having a crush on Dude (in addition to being emotionally unavailable), confessed to Dude my ‘feelings’ for him…. And now I am alone and miserable. Why because I was seeing what I wanted to see with Dude. I can’t stress this enough, if it looks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it’s a duck…if it looks like a relationship, and feels like a relationship, CLARIFY… Men aren’t ducks. So if it looks like you could be happy with someone make sure they are on the same page because if not you WILL get hurt. Even if he is your friend. I don’t think Dude did it on purpose, but he broke me… he took a confident women and made a pile of bitter and sad. I don’t blame him completely, I blame me, but I (we women) deserve better, and need to be on the look out. My newest advice (and likely a repeat) LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE! That’s you. I’m not saying not to let men in, just be careful.

Take care out there ladies, put on your boxing gloves and get in the ring.