Commitment-Phobic

So... I'm sure we are all wondering about Tom. I am still seeing him. I did tell him how I felt, or more so how I don't feel. Surprisingly he took it well, and in fact might like me more. I have found myself wanting to hang out with him more often now that the pressure is off. Can you say commitment-phobic?

I worry that I want him around because I'm lonely. Then I worry that I don't want him around because I am afraid of commitment. I am the most confused person I know. I want a boyfriend, but if I there is someone interested I push them away. I think it ultimately comes down to this:

When the right guy comes around I will NOT push him away, I will NOT be afraid, and I WILL be happy.

Until then I am going make a real effort with Tom. He is happy to keep it casual, and I'm good at that.

The other thing I have to get over is being with him in public or in front of friends... I am so closed. I'm not embarrassed of him at all, and god I hope he doesn't think I am. I just feel (likely as we have mutual friends) that every move we make is under scrutiny. In fact it bothers me so much he hasn't met any of my friends. I hate people judging before I do. I guess I want to decide how I feel before I hear the opinions of others... and being as I can't do that I'm going to have to have a secret/private relationship until then.

I am just wondering if anyone else's out there is as crazy as I am. Seriously this is not even girly, it's stupid.