Bad Date Chronicles – Bad Date #1

This story is brought to you first hand by a former singleton she shall remain nameless…

One night I meet a friend of a friend while out with a group. When he asks for my number, I think well, he's not my typical pitter patter causing kind of guy, but what the hell, the fall has been slow on the dating front. Turns out I should have trusted the no heart beat instinct.

We meet a week or two later for dinner. The restaurant is nice enough, and he orders wine, so I'm thinking things may go well after all. Then, we get past discussing menu items, and it is all down hill. It starts with, "my psoriasis has been really bad for the past few months, mostly on my scalp and feet, and it has been causing problems at work. Whenever I lean over someone else's desk, a few flakes fall onto their desk." He says this while leaning in close, head tilted. You know, because he doesn't want anybody tohear. He seems to have missed the lesson on impressing your date, not the next table.

Now, I must clear my name to an extent at this point. I am not cold hearted, psoriasis in and of itself certainly would not make someone undate-able to me.

After dinner, he walks me home. At the door, he opens hs arms to hug me. As we go towards one another, I obviously move my head to the side to communicate that there will be no kiss. As our heads pass, I begin to relax. But No! There is a somewhat painful feeling between my legs... it's a crotch grab!!! I Guess if a women doesn't want to kiss you, you then go straight for the goods! I was in so much shock that I didn't smack him I just turned on my heels and went inside. I think my jaw was still on the ground a week later. After that performance, you'll be shocked to hear that he called three days later to see if I wanted to do it again! With a crotch grabbing flaky man? I'm sure this one is still on the singles scene.

Are we in relationships just to be in a relationship?

The other day I was having dinner with the girls – Miss Pink and Miss Black (single), Miss Blue and Red (in serious relationships) - We were discussing what we always discuss, sex, but more importantly relationships. Two of us complaining about incessant bad dates, the tribulations of trying to meet someone new, where to find him, and how to figure out if that they are bad for us before it’s too late. Then in a quite voice Miss. Red says, “I wonder if I’m in a relationship because I’m afraid of being alone again.” A sort silence was followed by three women simultaneously saying “No you love him…” Although I do believe that is true, our response seemed almost urgent, afraid. Apparently we don’t want to see our girlfriends in the same predicament we’re in.

Is it that bad to be single? Or is it that we need to believe in love so badly we romanticize other people's relationsips together for them, or us?

Ultimately that brings us to the question: How do we (the people in relationships) know when it’s over? I’m a strong believer in fighting the good fight, and using all resources to solve problems before giving up. Well it’s not actually giving up if you have tried your best, opened your heart and mind and did all you could do. I want to believe love will conquer all. If it becomes too exhausting, and you deflated, perhaps it’s not love you are fighting for.

I don’t think I answered any of our questions, but hopefully we will learn to listen to our friends about their relationships instead of jumping to reassure them it’s is all okay when in fact we have no idea what is going on inside. For those in relationships, hopefully they will learn to reflect on them without bias so they can judge what is truly going on. What everyone should do is support our friends, listen to them and celebrate with them when they do find true love.

The Dating Game? Is it all a game?

Growing up I was taught that when I ‘grew up’ I would meet someone, fall in love, get married and have kids. No one ever mentioned how to get there, it just happens. Well maybe it just happened to some, but dating is not that simple, it seems to have become a game, sometimes even a sport. If you’re actively dating in Toronto I recommend getting some serious protective equipment, because when you crash it will take a lot more then a helmet and a mouth guard to get you through it. It’s going to take good friends, good wine, and often a good eraser ;-)

What is The Game? Well if we knew what it was we might have been able to figure out how to play it. Unfortunately, there are no rules – except that there are no rules. No one keeps score, but you always know when you’re loosing. And no matter how often you play, you can, and will get caught off guard.

The original game, yes the one our mothers taught us, playing hard to get. This has to be my favourite game… by favourite, I mean the game I like the least. If I like someone I want to tell them, ideally I want them to tell me they like me and go on from there. But NO, before The Game of dating can even start you have to have a pre-game, this is when you act aloof, hint that you like them, but never let them know for sure and wait for them to pursue you. How often does this actually work? I don’t think it does, because women don’t do it. Notice that the guys who are into you are the ones you dislike, ignore and push away. Well, that’s because they think you are playing hard to get.

Beware of the man who doesn’t want to play games. He is the ultimate player. This is the guy who says I don’t want to play games. Again giving women a false sense of hope, because what he means is “I don’t want YOU to play games”. I will be aloof, not tell you how I feel, give you mixed messages, all the while, know exactly how you feel and use it to play you like a marionette. This guy has to be the ultimate asshole. At least the other game players let you put up a good fight… this guy wants to kick you when you are down.

All that said I know there are good guys out there just keep your eyes open and guard up, ‘cause the bad ones will find you when you least expect it.

He's Just not that into You... I mean Me

The excuses… I’ve heard them all. Every time a friend calls and says, “He didn’t call”, “He’s too busy”, “He’s not ready for a relationship” or “It’s bad timing”, I tell her one thing and one thing only… “He’s just not that into you”. Yes I’ve read the book, and I’ve passed on the good word “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Why is it then, that when I here the same excuses I can’t convince myself that he’s not that into me? I know if I were giving advice to me, I would say… “Honey, he’s just not that into you” Seriously, if a guy really likes you, he will make it happen, good or bad timing, ready or not. I’ve had the guy who wasn’t ready date … not that it didn’t end in a disaster, but the point is, he wasn’t ready, it was bad timing, yet he still made it happen, because he wanted it to. So these guys who are using this as an excuse are getting away with only one thing… our feelings. Giving us false hope is not cool. In fact it is the exact opposite of cool… it’s out right shitty. Do they realize they are doing this to us? Do they think they are being kind by giving us a glimpse of hope that we turn into a, dare I call it, a relationship. We will sit and discuss these men, try to figure out these men, and worst of all WAIT for these men. As if time is really the issue. I have fallen for it once, maybe even twice…and I will fall for it again, the only thing I can say to my friends, is please slap some sense into me when you see me fall for “bad timing guy”. “I like you but I’m not ready” can mean one of two things: The more obvious one ‘let’s have sex until I’m ready… and when I’m ready, I’ll be dating someone that isn’t you… Oh, and thanks again for the sex’. Or he just likes the attention, it might be true, he might not be ready to date, but tells you he likes you too keep you interested and him feeling good about himself. These guys don’t give up … if you don’t have sex with them, that’s okay, because they are earning your trust. You think; well he isn’t trying to get in to my pants he must really like me. Nope… not the case. What he is thinking is, I’m not dating anyone right now… she’ll do me eventually. Chin up and pants on, it’s time to take charge. Let’s have them wonder… “Is she, just not that into me?”

Do people in relationships not remember what it was like to be single?

Someone in a relationship cannot actually answer this question… why? Because their answer would be ‘Yes’, but the truth is more then likely ‘No’ they don’t remember. If they did, they wouldn’t set you up with people with whom you had nothing in common, other then being single as well. They wouldn’t try to set you up on a group date so you could have an audience on your first date. And they wouldn’t embellish if not flat out exaggerate how great the other person is. This of course causes you to then spend the rest of the date asking yourself, how much have I been built up or exaggerated? Can I live up to the super women my friends may have made me out to be? You are so preoccupied thinking about the impression you are making, or him not living up to the legend, you probably have a horrible time on what could have been a pretty good date, or at least a good dinner.

So many other questions arise from this; Are these friends who set you up really your friends? What is more offensive, that they set you up or that they thought you were so desperate for love that you would somehow disregard the fact that your respective date is socially inept and jump into his arms because he is willing to take you? Why is being single such a bad thing? Why do people feel sorry for those of us who don’t have a life long companion?

It is true, I’d like to find someone to spend my life with, my life is good, and full… wanting to share my experiences with someone does not make me a desperate women. It makes me a woman who has room to let someone in, someone, not just anyone.