Emotionally Unavailable or Just Stupid?

So here I am in the midst of dating a super great guy. He is smart, funny and very nice, far too nice in fact. We will call him “Super-nice Scientist Guy”. He wants to see me all the time, (but not too much) and I enjoy seeing him. He treats me to nice dinners, a good laugh and even took me for a massage at the spa. As for attraction, it too is there, he is a great kisser - a bittoo huggy kissy for me but not a deal breaker. I know you can see where this is going so I’ll get right to it. What is the problem? Well the problem is this; I am just not ‘feeling it’. There is no heart flutter or butterflies in my tummy. Am I expecting too much too soon. I can usually tell if I like someone at this point, but I am distracted. I’m not sure by what, but something is holding me back.…

Well it turns out I found out the answer to the above. There are 2 reasons I couldn’t make it work with super-nice scientist guy. #1) I am emotionally unavailable… for the most part. But only to nice guys who are interested in me. I am available to assholes. That’s right I love assholes - turns out men are right nice guys finish last.

Reason #2) The asshole in question. I fell for a guy (we will call him ‘Dude’)… yup a guy who is aloof, a guy who calls me sexy when he wants me to have fun with him, a guy who makes me smile when I’m around, but makes me cry when I’m not. (okay okay we all know I don’t cry, but I needed the dramatic effect there.) Seriously, I broke up with Super-Nice Scientist Guy for the Dude and now I regret it. Not because I necessarily think it would have worked with Super-Nice Scientist Guy (no heart flutter); but I didn’t even date Dude. Let me explain further. I had a crush on Dude because he made me laugh, he made me feel sexy, and we have great good . Sounds like a perfect relationship - no? Well it was not a relationship it was a fantasy that only I was a part of. I some how conjured up a relationship out of a few jokes, some good company, and crazy attraction.

So where am I now. I broke up with Super-Nice Scientist Guy (as you know) because I felt guilty for having a crush on Dude (in addition to being emotionally unavailable), confessed to Dude my ‘feelings’ for him…. And now I am alone and miserable. Why because I was seeing what I wanted to see with Dude. I can’t stress this enough, if it looks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it’s a duck…if it looks like a relationship, and feels like a relationship, CLARIFY… Men aren’t ducks. So if it looks like you could be happy with someone make sure they are on the same page because if not you WILL get hurt. Even if he is your friend. I don’t think Dude did it on purpose, but he broke me… he took a confident women and made a pile of bitter and sad. I don’t blame him completely, I blame me, but I (we women) deserve better, and need to be on the look out. My newest advice (and likely a repeat) LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE! That’s you. I’m not saying not to let men in, just be careful.

Take care out there ladies, put on your boxing gloves and get in the ring.

Bad Date Chronicles – Bad Date #2

This is a story of a friend of mine who went on yet another first date. Before the date she was excited, even optimistic if you will. Afterward, I listened with anticipation as she described what sounded like a great first date, they got along well, had lots to talk about even a friendly touch here and there… apparently he too felt comfortable, extremely comfortable, more so then a normal person. That’s correct this wouldn’t be on here if it wasn’t about a date gone a rye. So this gent feeling confident that he is doing a great job wooing my friend decides to tell her an anecdote if you will, a little ‘story’ about his date preparation process. He mentions a few things, for example he washed his sheets (as if she might get to lay between them) and then this: Apparently, in his pre-date grooming he hurt himself. To paraphrase as best as a third party can he said, “ I got my nut-sack caught or cut or something in my grooming and I now have a Band-Aid on my aforementioned nut-sack” That’s all I have to say about this one. I can not add to that, but I do want to emphasize that if nothing else in this story is accurate know that the term “Nut-Sack” was in fact the term he used to describe, to his first date, his testicles.

Analyze This

Why are we in a state of constant analysis?

Even in the best relationships 90% of the time is spent analyzing them. Good, bad, neutral, regardless of how the relationship is going it seems as though we feel the need to dissect it, analyze it and then tell our theory to all our friends (and some strangers). I’m not sure if this is to reassure ourselves of something, or to have them convince us we are wrong, but whatever the reason we can’t help but do it. This is why women are constantly asking men the question “What are you thinking?” it’s because we really don’t know, and “Nothing” is not a good enough answer.

Men have to realize the question the hardest part for us, because ultimately our fear is that they will respond with “I’m thinking you ask too many questions and I’m breaking up with you.” when they say “nothing” we think it can’t possibly be nothing, it has to be something, and if he’s not telling me it’s bad. My advice to men, always say, “I’m thinking of how sexy you are.” That would make me happy… and stop analyzing sh*t for at least 10 minutes.

They say men are difficult but I still think it’s us, women. I admit I am guilty of it too… Actually I am the queen of it. I’ll be the first to tell my girlfriends to stop analyzing and enjoy life, yet as soon as I’m interested in a guy I’m become a paranoid schizophrenic. If our guy is totally into us and treats us like a queen we think he is needy. If our guy isn’t attentive enough we assume he doesn’t like us. We are constantly trying to figure out what makes them tick, yet don’t believe them when they tell us. I don’t think it’s because we don’t trust men, I think it’s a lack of self-confidence for the most part, but also a defence mechanism. I think by reviewing and analyzing and turning the relationship into some sort of equation that we have to ‘figure out’ we can separate ourselves from the emotional part of it and then if it doesn’t work we can’t be upset because we saw it coming, or at least we should have if we did our homework.

I don’t think there is an easy way to escape this but I’m going to try.

The Relationship Rush

It seems as though everyone is rushing in to relationships these days. The dating starts, by the third date they are sleeping together, the fourth they move in and within 3 months they’ve bought a house together… and are planning a wedding. Don’t think this is a one off situation either. I have had two friends elope this past year (one after only knowing each other 5 weeks) and many moving in together and buying houses. I think it is great that they are so in love that they want to be together all the time, but what is the rush? Is it an issue of insecurity? Do we have to move fast enough so that our partner doesn’t realize what a mistake they’re making by being with us?

I found myself in a rush recently, which is not like me. Well, I went on a date a couple weeks ago; I thought it went really well, at the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek. It was the perfect end to a great first date. Second date, again great date, felt more comfortable but at the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek… again. I don’t know why, but this time it bothered me. I didn’t necessarily want him to stick his tongue down my throat, but maybe a kiss on the lips would have been nice. I left feeling unsure… why? Maybe because I had never gone on a second date without getting a kiss, in fact I don’t usually go one date without one… Well he finally kissed me – and I say finally because that’s how I felt at the time, when really it was only our third meeting – but I digress, he kissed me, it was perfect, I swear it made my knees buckle. It was worth the ‘wait’; in fact I would have waiting longer had I known it would be so intoxicating.

So what was it that made me feel so rushed?

I’m looking for answers to this one…

Is Bitter in Style?

The one thing I’ve noticed lately is the growing amount of bitter women; Young, bitter women. It’s strange but I think a lot of it is just a fad. It is cool to be bitter… “Everyone is doing it”. Although what I’m writing can be is often negative - especially in the direction of men, it’s meant to be entertaining. It’s just my opinion, opinion’s made through personal experience and the experience of others. I wouldn’t describe myself as bitter, I’m just trying to figure things out, form an opinion, add a little humour and have everyone read about it, lol….

Before I get off topic let me explain. Recently I was out with a number or 20 something girls, EARLY 20 something single girls. Well these single girls were being loud and clear about their opinions, and feelings toward the opposite sex. I’ll give you one guess to what it was I heard… That’s right it was bitterness. Not being much older then these girls I can’t understand it. I’ve been hurt, and badly, yet I have still managed to keep the bitter away. My anger (if any) would be toward the one who hurt me, and only him, not all men. I then looked at single women in their late 20’s and up, still bitter… in fact it seemed the amount of ‘bitter’ was in direct relation to their age. One year older, a pinch more ‘bitter’. By being bitter toward the entire gender we are basically claiming all men are the same. That then brings up the question; do we think all women are the same? We know damn well we are not… so why would we assume men are. This made me wonder about the opinion of men…

Are men just as bitter as women? Well being a person with many male friends I decided to observe their behaviour. My results, the older they got the less bitter they were. The men under 30 had some negative things to say about women, and most were expressed in a bitter way, but the one difference was they would never swear off women (like we do men) they still wanted to have female companionship – ie: get laid – despite the risk of getting hurt. There was one exception, but again men are not all the same. The men over 30 did not seem to be bitter at all. In fact, their opinion was that in the past they were not ready for a relationship therefore one would not work for them regardless of the women. Knowing these men for a number of years I can say they were a little bitter when I first met them, but always going back for more.

I am not sure why there is this distinct difference between the bitterness of men and women, but I’ve come up with a theory… maybe I pulled it out of my ass, who knows, but here it is: Women who have been hurt seem to take much longer, too long sometimes, to get over men (relationships) then men do women. Because the men get over their relationships much quicker the bitter doesn’t have time to manifest. Or maybe, just maybe men realize women aren’t all the same.

Bad Date Chronicles – Bad Date #1

This story is brought to you first hand by a former singleton she shall remain nameless…

One night I meet a friend of a friend while out with a group. When he asks for my number, I think well, he's not my typical pitter patter causing kind of guy, but what the hell, the fall has been slow on the dating front. Turns out I should have trusted the no heart beat instinct.

We meet a week or two later for dinner. The restaurant is nice enough, and he orders wine, so I'm thinking things may go well after all. Then, we get past discussing menu items, and it is all down hill. It starts with, "my psoriasis has been really bad for the past few months, mostly on my scalp and feet, and it has been causing problems at work. Whenever I lean over someone else's desk, a few flakes fall onto their desk." He says this while leaning in close, head tilted. You know, because he doesn't want anybody tohear. He seems to have missed the lesson on impressing your date, not the next table.

Now, I must clear my name to an extent at this point. I am not cold hearted, psoriasis in and of itself certainly would not make someone undate-able to me.

After dinner, he walks me home. At the door, he opens hs arms to hug me. As we go towards one another, I obviously move my head to the side to communicate that there will be no kiss. As our heads pass, I begin to relax. But No! There is a somewhat painful feeling between my legs... it's a crotch grab!!! I Guess if a women doesn't want to kiss you, you then go straight for the goods! I was in so much shock that I didn't smack him I just turned on my heels and went inside. I think my jaw was still on the ground a week later. After that performance, you'll be shocked to hear that he called three days later to see if I wanted to do it again! With a crotch grabbing flaky man? I'm sure this one is still on the singles scene.

Are we in relationships just to be in a relationship?

The other day I was having dinner with the girls – Miss Pink and Miss Black (single), Miss Blue and Red (in serious relationships) - We were discussing what we always discuss, sex, but more importantly relationships. Two of us complaining about incessant bad dates, the tribulations of trying to meet someone new, where to find him, and how to figure out if that they are bad for us before it’s too late. Then in a quite voice Miss. Red says, “I wonder if I’m in a relationship because I’m afraid of being alone again.” A sort silence was followed by three women simultaneously saying “No you love him…” Although I do believe that is true, our response seemed almost urgent, afraid. Apparently we don’t want to see our girlfriends in the same predicament we’re in.

Is it that bad to be single? Or is it that we need to believe in love so badly we romanticize other people's relationsips together for them, or us?

Ultimately that brings us to the question: How do we (the people in relationships) know when it’s over? I’m a strong believer in fighting the good fight, and using all resources to solve problems before giving up. Well it’s not actually giving up if you have tried your best, opened your heart and mind and did all you could do. I want to believe love will conquer all. If it becomes too exhausting, and you deflated, perhaps it’s not love you are fighting for.

I don’t think I answered any of our questions, but hopefully we will learn to listen to our friends about their relationships instead of jumping to reassure them it’s is all okay when in fact we have no idea what is going on inside. For those in relationships, hopefully they will learn to reflect on them without bias so they can judge what is truly going on. What everyone should do is support our friends, listen to them and celebrate with them when they do find true love.